no really, how are you doing?
The above tweet really summarizes how I’m doing. I/we have lived through ten months of constant trauma. Ten months of witnessing constant death, apathy, violence, and sorrow. There have absolutely been bright points of joy throughout the pandemic, but they are the exception to the rule.
I know many people have had worse experiences than me. I can pay my bills while still saving a little bit of money, and my husband is the best partner I could ask for. I don’t have children to worry about their well-being and education. But those things don’t make my suffering, and the suffering of others, go away.
When I lived in Guatemala, it didn’t take long for me to become accustomed to gang violence. I heard shoot-outs multiple times a week in the street our school backed up to, and several family members of the kitchen staff died from gang violence in the two years I lived at Valley. Once, a member of the kitchen staff and her husband found a severed head on the path on their walk to work. No one went to the police about it because if the gangs found out who talked, they would be next. That story is not an anomaly, but is the most gruesome one I heard.
I became numb to this violence. My brain knew what my heart didn’t: that if I didn’t compartmentalize it, then it would destroy me. Scientists know the physical toll that living in traumatic situations day in and day out takes on you. There are even theories about how a person’s trauma can potentially be genetically passed down to their children. For me, the trauma and grief I experience physically manifests in shoulder pain, headaches, insomnia, and fatigue.
I feel this cycle repeating itself. I know my brain is trying to protect itself, because if I stop to think about the COVID death toll, the massive mishandling of the US response, and the anti-vaxxers, I’ll never get out of bed again. So I don’t. I go on with my day, go to work in a building that hasn’t been updated since the 80’s, and pray that nothing happens to me or the people I love. Is this healthy? No. Do I have anything pithy or inspiring to say about it? No.
For the past few months I’ve been working on a piece about my relationship with white supremacy. Then last week happened. I was in a meeting when the neo-Nazis started storming the U.S. Capitol. Everyone was told to leave work early. I got concerned texts from my family and friends. I left my work and took Lola to the dog park because dogs don’t understand insurrections and I live far enough away from the Capitol that I felt safe. Some dog owners were talking about the day’s events, but mostly people were quiet and focused on their dogs. Lola played with a one-eyed dog named Sheldon and if it hadn’t been for my body being on high-alert it would have felt like a normal afternoon.
I’m taking a break on finishing the white supremacy piece because I need some time to process last week’s events. Also, who knows what’s going to happen next week? The metro is closing 13 stations, some people are leaving town, I’ll be working from home, they’ve been shutting down streets all week, and the National Guard has been sleeping in the Capitol’s hallways. I can’t even get into how surreal it feels to live in a historically black city that was attacked by a white, racist, mob only to have the president tell said mob that he loves them. If it was pitched in a screenplay it would immediately get discarded for being too far-fetched.
I offer no insight or answers to the world around us. I just want you to know that I’m proud of you, whether or not you made it out of bed today. You’re doing the best you can. Those who should be leaders during crisis have failed us repeatedly but you’re still here.
Stay safe, friends. Do what you have to do to protect your sanity. I’m rooting for you.
Links To Click On When You’re Bored At Work
On the surface, animal racing seems cruel, right? This article might make you change your mind. It definitely gave me something to think about. Dan and I met a retired racing greyhound dog named Sophie recently at the dog park. She was very soft and loved getting petted and I swear she smiled at me.
Since starting my embroidery, I’ve become increasingly interested in fiber arts. Bisa Butler creates incredible quilts depicting photographed scenes of African American life over the years. They are gorgeous and colorful.
Is anyone else invested in the drama surrounding Caliphate? I listened to the podcast when it originally came out and thought it was wonderfully done. I have a tendency to assume that professional journalists are serious enough about their job that I shouldn’t have to fact check their work, but Caliphate seriously harmed that trust, as has political journalism in general over the past five years.
This article about finding oneself after motherhood and divorce through gardening. It sounds like a premise for a book you might find at an airport, but it’s excellent.
If you also binged the show Indian Matchmaking a few (?) months ago, this article about inter-faith marriage in India will interest you.
Things That Are Bringing Me Joy
Dan bought us a small table top Christmas tree from the grocery store and looking at it made me laugh. It dropped needles constantly, refused to soak up water, and definitely tilted right. Normally I keep my tree up until the end of the liturgical Christmas season, but this baby was a fire hazard so we threw it out on December 27.
I just discovered a new-ish coffee shop in DC run by a Guatemalan family who cultivate and sell coffee from my favorite coffee-producing region of Guatemala! (Yes, I have a favorite region, yes it has to do with the soil and yes, I am annoying about coffee.)
My youngest sister made a flannel bandanna for Lola and it’s the cutest thing ever. Also, a woman who frequents my dog park made homemade dog treats and gave them out to other dog owners which was very kind of her.
My brain has stopped allowing me to read new books of substance (trauma!), so I’m doing what I used to do as a child when I couldn’t fall asleep: read children’s novels with strong female heroines. I’m currently reading Jacob Have I Loved and The Wolves of Willoughby Chase.
Olivia Rodrigo’s song drivers license which Dan has banned me from playing in the house after I played it 20 times in a row because it reminded him of his sadboi high school cringe days.
Speaking of a certain former sadboi, Dan and I are celebrating our first anniversary on Monday. Although I will miss getting dressed up to sit in a dimly lit bar while drinking $15 cocktails (no, really, I miss that) there’s no one I’d rather sit on the couch with watching The Sopranos in our matching track pants. You’re the best decision I’ve ever made.
paz,
Maeve