nice
on the worst adjective in the english language. yes, it's worse than moist. moist is at least descriptive. honestly, moist isn't even that bad; stop cringing. moist moist moist.
About two years ago, Dan invited me to his office’s annual fancy holiday party. It was being hosted at an elegant restaurant that we otherwise would never be able to afford. Balancing between eating all the free food you want to eat without seeming greedy and drinking all you want from the open bar without getting drunk in front of your boyfriend’s co-workers is a tricky act. At the end of the day, I will always be a broke college student going to events for the free food.
Dan arrived to pick me up. As I emerged from my bedroom, he looked at me admiringly and told me I looked, “Very nice.”
“Nice?” I was aghast. “I only look nice?”
Terror flashed through his eyes in the way it does in honest people when they know they’ve said the wrong thing. “It’s a compliment!” he reasoned.
To me, nice is an adjective reserved mainly for children. “That’s nice,” you say to a child when they’re showing you some scribbles they drew in crayon. It’s a word used to placate.
“Very nice,” you might remark when a kid presents you with a mush of play dough they’re insisting is a pizza they made. It’s definitely not what you say to your beautiful girlfriend who just spent an hour doing her makeup with perfectly dramatic winged eyeliner and is wearing those high heels she can only wear for a few hours at a time.
I explained all this to Dan in a calm and not at all shrill way. “Why aren’t you saying I look stunning, or gorgeous, or even beautiful?! I don’t want to look nice!”
“Yes, yes, you look all of those things!” Panic set in. I felt like I was playing the part of the washed up actress in some twisted Tennessee Williams fever dream.
“If I look beautiful then why did you use the word nice in the first place?”
“I thought it meant the same thing! Growing up whenever I got dressed up for a school dance or something that’s how my mom complimented me! She always said I looked ‘very nice.’ I didn’t mean to make you upset!”
Ah, I thought. I am dating someone who doesn’t understand the power of words. At least he doesn’t think I’m ugly.
We went to the party and had a lovely time. I ate the best mushrooms of my life. I truly didn’t know mushrooms could taste that incredible. We both looked great and definitively not nice.
The word nice is loaded. As children we are told to be nice to our siblings, play nice with our friends, be nice and give grandma a hug. Nice is the powdered sugar on top of a cake. It’s a mediocre landscape painting. It evokes no emotion and assures everyone that it’s fine, everything’s fine. You use it when you want everything to go smoothly.
Women, it will come as no surprise, are told more often than men to be nice. It is something we should embody, niceness. Raising our voices, being blunt, getting angry: none of these things are nice. You can do your own google, but when you search articles on women being nice you’ll find tons of articles with conflicting opinions about how being nice in the work place will get you ahead, or how it will destroy your career. When you search the same thing using the word “men,” almost all the articles on the first page are about sex and relationships. It’s a given that women will be nice in their romantic relationships. Men are instead asked if they want to be nice. It’s a choice that could work in their favor, or not. Nice guys finish last and all that.
An Aside
Since adopting a dog, I started taking notice of how people speak to their pets. To my knowledge, pets have a limited vocabulary that requires reinforcement and repetition. Often when Lola and I are at our local dog park, I’ll hear owners tell their dog, “Now play nice” or reprimand a dog with, “That’s not nice, Toby!” when they play too rough. Dogs do not understand the nuances of language. That’s why we speak to them in commands. Wearing a mask comes in handy when I laugh at owners who try to reason with their dogs. “If you don’t stop humping other dogs, we’re going home.”
Maybe this makes me sound cold or indifferent. That’s not the case. I didn’t grow up with pets so I think I’m a bit less emotionally attached to the idea of “man’s best friend.” I’ve only known her for two months, but I love Lola. In private, I talk to her almost constantly. I narrate things I’m doing to her, weigh pros and cons of a decision I’m making with her, and will intermittently stop what I’m doing to lay down on the floor and snuggle with her while she snorts in what I assume is an approving manner. I just think that trying to rationalize with an animal is as useless as rationalizing with a baby. They aren’t capable of doing it, so don’t frustrate yourself trying!
Ever since that incident where Dan said I looked “nice” he’s been hyper aware of when others use that word. We’ve noticed that his parents use it all the time in our group chat and it makes us laugh. If we really like something now we say, “Very nice exclamation point,” and it always makes us smile.
Links To Click On When You’re Bored At Work
I’ve been staying out of the Catholic blogosphere recently because there are lots of *emotions* around the upcoming election that are bringing out the worst in people and frankly, I can’t handle any more negativity. I subscribe to Rebecca Bratten Weiss’s blog, and always read what she has to say. She wrote a beautiful piece about the power of grief and anger and as usual, it’s wonderful.
Have you noticed an uptick in conspiracy theorists in your life? (It’s not just you.) I found this article to be helpful. People who belong to cults and/or espouse conspiracy theories have always fascinated me because I think the psychology behind both are so interesting. Conspiracy theories have long histories of anti-antisemitism and anti-Catholic rhetoric and the cognitive dissonance that Christians who espouse them is truly stunning to me. I read “Republic of Lies: American Conspiracy Theorists and Their Surprising Rise to Power” and it was equal parts fascinating and depressing.
Speaking of cults: there’s a new podcast out about the Short Creek community of fundamentalist Mormons. You’ve heard of them because their prophet was Warren Jeffs, known pedophile and cult leader. It’s a podcast that is done very respectfully and took years to make. I know some people think my religion is bananas but FLDS communities outdo Catholics in that department.
This profile of my cooking queen Ina Garten. I grew up with my mom making her recipes and I’ve always enjoyed watching her relationship with her husband. You can tell they’re still very much in love with each other.
Things That Bring Me Joy
I’m an aunt! Suddenly there is no such thing as too many baby pictures of my chunky lil’ nephew!
This beautiful blog highlighting found vintage typography
The recent weather here in the 60’s. My ancestors intended for me to live in a region that is mostly chilly so this weather is agreeing with me. The previous three months of hellish humidity did not.
‘Tis the season to watch Halloween movies! My favorite, Bell, Book and Candle, is not specifically about Halloween but is witchy so I think it counts. Kim Novak is so sexy and glamorous in it and Jack Lemmon’s comedic timing is always perfect.
As a child I adored paper dolls. I have a large accordion folder at my parent’s house filled with them. My favorite set was from the movie Anastasia and I spent hours cutting out all her outfits. I discovered this paper doll website and it’s bringing back so many memories.
There’s an initiative to decriminalize psychedelic mushrooms and other plants that make you trip (that’s the scientific description) on the ballot in DC. Dan and I were talking about it the other day and he described mushrooms as “alien decomposing dead matter” which made me laugh. I’m realizing this is the second reference to mushrooms in this newsletter.
I hope you are as well as you can be. It’s been a rough past few weeks for me personally. I’m coping by embroidering Halloween themed pieces, baking (I used the bain marie technique for the first time recently!) and watching the Netflix show Taco Chronicles which I highly recommend if you enjoy tacos, Mexico, or butchery. I miss the ease of accessing extremely fresh food and ingredients that I experienced in Central America. I’m trying not to be overly nostalgic but it’s hard when there are so many references to “the before times.” I find myself wondering how the dystopian novel nightmare we live in will end. Is this how the Romans felt when their empire began to crumble?
If you enjoyed reading this, share it with a friend!
paz,
Maeve